blog > managing change

Change is hard. But it doesn’t have to be.

Personal, professional, forced or voluntary, change can be destabilizing. There are 4 reasons for this. Here is how to effectively manage them.

The 4 corners of change

Our resistance to change is made up of one or more of the following:

• Loss
• Fear
• Habit
• Authenticity

Loss

Change by definition requires us to leave something behind. Even if the change is for the better, at the very least we leave a part of ourselves behind. No matter what we leave behind (person, place, thing, a part of ourselves), there can be a sense of loss and even grief. If you find yourself feeling nostalgic or wishing things didn’t have to change, you’re experiencing loss. Here is an exercise for going forward with loss.

Fear

Fear is our basic response to the unknown. It’s a survival instinct that’s embedded into every living thing. The unknown is full of potential danger. To reduce the fear, we must know as much as possible about the unknown.

• If you’re scared, educate yourself. Learn as much as you can about what’s coming. New position at work? Going back to school later in life? Changing to a healthier lifestyle? Whatever it is, read, read and read again. Take the mystery out of it and you’ll take the fear out of it.

Habit

A habit is a physical attribute in your brain. It’s something you’ve done so many times that the structure of your brain has literally changed and become predisposed to it. If you’re interested in the medical/scientific explanation, read about neuroplasticity. I’ll give it to you in layman’s terms:

A habit starts out like a stream of water. It’s a particular activity you do. As you repeat it, the stream gets wider and wider until it’s a river. Want to change the habit? You can’t just divert the river. You have to methodically, little by little, provide the water an alternate pathway. 

• Habits are changed and new habits created with regular methodical effort. Want to get fit? Don’t start going to the gym for 4 hours a day every day – you’ll hate it and stop. Instead, start with 20 minute walks every day. But make sure it’s every day. The change here is small enough that it doesn’t completely disrupt your life (it’s not going against the river) but because you’re doing it every day, it starts forming a new habit (a new stream you can divert water to). After a month, you can increase the length or amount of walks you take. After another month you can add strength exercises. You’ve now closed off the couch potato river and diverted the water into a new exercise river.

Authenticity

This may seem strange but I’ve heard it often enough that it needs to be mentioned. The idea that if you change you’re not being authentic is an unfortunate by-product of pop psychology. Being authentic does not mean “don’t change”. If that were the case, those of us who want to be authentic should get naked, put on a pair of diapers and jump in the crib. That was our original state and how dare we change from it!

• If I’ve always handled hot pans with my bare hands and got   burned, my version of being authentic would be “I am a man with burnt hands, I am ok with it, I am comfortable with who I am.” If one day I decided to use oven mitts, I would now be “a man who uses oven mitts. I own that, I am comfortable with that”. Becoming a better/smarter version of yourself doesn’t stop you from being authentic. Authenticity is about being yourself, it’s not a prescription for who you should be.

A final note

• Meaningful change doesn’t happen overnight. It’s not a switch. It’s a lot of tiny repetitions. It’s ok to go at a slow pace. Just do it regularly. If you fall off the wagon, that’s ok, just get back on it. And remember, change that *you* instigate to get to a better place is good. It’s sometimes scary but good nonetheless. You got this.